


Let Me Die

by OrangeRamen96



Category: Tobuscus - Fandom, cryaotic, youtube - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 15:25:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeRamen96/pseuds/OrangeRamen96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cry and Toby try to mend a small dent in their relationship. Unfortunately, the efforts end up becoming their downfall.<br/>Tobuscus POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Die

**Author's Note:**

> This was sort of based off a previous relationship of mine.   
> But I didn't try to kill myself.  
> I just love torturing Toby.

Toby's POV  
I felt like my heart had stopped beating; my world was falling. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. I couldn't process the words, the letters, that were facing me. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to face these repercussions. My stomach dropped, as I reread the text message that I had gotten while I was sleeping.  
Received February 28, 2014 at 12:28am from Cry  
"I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. If you think THAT little of me, then we can't be together anymore. I thought you loved me, but I guess it was all a lie. This is it, Toby. We're over. Goodbye."  
I was shaking as I placed the phone on my bed. I got up and ran to the toilet, before dry heaving. What the hell was going on? My sleepy mind was hazy as I tried to remember what had happened the previous day. I collapsed on the floor, bawling. My heart was crushed as I curled myself up as small as I could, trying to calm down. My breathing was strobe-like as I thought of my mistakes. Oh god... this was all my fault.  
I had finally gotten everything done. The entire next week's worth of videos were done and edited. All I had to do was upload them. I thought of spending time with Cry, and my heart soared. Excitement rushed through me as I picked my phone up and saw Cry had texted me.  
Received February 28, 2014 at 10:12pm from Cry  
"Hey, I want us to each make a list of things that we need to work on. Things that bother each other when we do them, or things that we could talk about changing."  
I felt nervous about this, knowing it was a bad idea, since I was a blunt person. I tried thinking of something - anything - that could possibly be a bother to me. My mind drew a blank as I texted back my agreement. I sighed out, scratching my head. I thought to when Cry and I would be around each other, and he would lean against me. Inwardly, I always flinched at this.   
That's how it had always been. I was always just something to lean against, something to sleep on. I was always an object. I put that down first, but I was unsure what to call it. Leaning against me? No, that sounds stupid. Making me a bed? Nah, that sounds weird, and made me blush. Physical clingyness? Yeah, that sounds more appropriate. I typed that up, as I tried thinking of other things.   
I remembered talking to Jack about some relationship drama that was going on between him and his girlfriend. Cry had always asked about it, and I felt bad brushing him off, but I was asked by Jack to keep it a secret. I hated having to brush off Cry and not tell him what he wanted to know. I typed up the next point as nosy. For a split second, I considered changing it, but I brushed it off. Cry was reasonable - he would know that I didn't mean that he was incredibly nosy.   
I sighed, as I went back to thinking, and I thought of the co-ops that he always put off. We had been planning to do a co-op for a while now, and I wanted him to make a video on his own channel, instead of always putting it off. I had been trying to help with the things he was supposed to do, as well as doing my own thing.   
I typed up "Procrastination and irresponsibility," knowing that he had his family to take care of and his own thing to do, but still trying to tell the truth of how I felt. Although I now lived on my own, my parents were constantly visiting and having me do things, and I was always having to help out various friends and family members alike.   
I didn't want Cry to take it the wrong way, but I didn't want to sugarcoat it. It wasn't a huge deal, and Cry was a lot better at doing things than I was, which is why it was hard to really think of things that pertained to more than one situation. He was as close to perfection as I could imagine. I sent the text off and got a return a few minutes later with a smaller list than I had sent. It read: Drinking, partnership, and not trusting me."   
I was very accepting of his list, and glad that he made one. At least I knew what I had to work on. I reminded Cry that I hadn't dranken anything alcoholic since New Year's Eve. Cry was always worried about my health, but continued to ignore his own, when I worried about him on Saturday nights.   
I wondered what he meant by partnership. Did that mean I didn't tell him I loved him enough? I reminded him everyday, though. Or maybe I wasn't physical enough. I blushed slightly, but then remembered how all my other relationships had ended soon after we had started getting physical.   
I sighed out, feeling my heart start breaking. First the leaning on me, making me feel like just an object, and now wanting a more physical relationship. I quickly shook my head, deciding that I was overthinking it. This was probably just because he wanted to hold my hand more, or have me cuddle him more. I was never a cuddly person when I was dating, mostly because I wasn't cuddly in normal life. I hardly ever even hugged my family unless I was extremely upset.   
Finally, I got to the third one: not trusting him. I sighed as i knew that this was because of the nosy comment. I knew he was only like that out of love and worry, but there were just somethings I couldn't tell him. I was like that for everybody; if you asked me to keep a secret I would. Plus, I hate worrying people with my own battles. When I was truly upset, I often just stayed silent about it, hoping that no one would notice, so that I could solve the problem quickly.  
I typed up the information about the drinking and asked him what he meant about partnership. My own worries could be pushed aside for now, though. I knew Cry loved me, and although I was worried about this "list" thing, I was confident we could get through it. He never answered my question, but rather, asked one of his own.  
Received February 28, 2014 at 10:45pm from Cry  
"What the hell do you mean by 'nosy'?"  
I reminded him of the Jack situation, recalling that as really the only time that he had ever really been nosy. We talked about how he wasn't nosy and he wasn't clingy. I was confused by his anger, because I didn't mean to upset him. I felt sleep take me over as I told him I was going to bed and reminded him that I loved him. I placed my phone on the bed and shut my eyes, feeling too tired to stay up any longer.  
I shakingly got up, and went to my phone, before texting an apology, telling him that I didn't mean to hurt him. I hated how stupid I had been. I knew this was going to be a bad idea, yet I did it anyways. He didn't answer, and I knew he must have still been sleeping. My heart was beating quickly, as my depression started overwhelming me, and I traced the scars on my arms from my teenage years.   
I hadn't turned to self harm in so long, but I felt the need, the surge, to do it. The reason I cut was to feel something - anything - than the nothingness that took over when I fell into depression.  
I needed to get my mind off of this, I realized, as I felt myself subconsciously reaching for the razor in my bedside table. I had hidden it there after living in the house I was in for a three years. I had felt the urge to cut again when I first moved here, so I his that razor there for an easy escape. It was there so that if I were to ever drown in the void, I would have a way to escape - permanently.  
My first choice to turn to was the one thing that always made me happy. It always made me smile every time I was on it. I logged on to YouTube and saw the messages, noticing that they were quite a higher number than they usually were. I quickly realized why.   
Cry had made a video saying that everything was postponed. That he didn't want to be with me, to marry me, or to see me again. I was shaking, and realized I was crying when I felt the sob rip through my throat. Immediately, I slammed the screen down, before running into the bathroom and having my stomach try to regurgitate the emptiness inside of it.   
I heard someone shushing me, as I felt a hand rubbing circles in my back. I clung to them as soon as I could breathe again, before sobbing into their chest. We stayed like that, them holding me, as I cried while my vice-like grip held them to me, for quite a while. When I pulled away, and looked up, I saw Gabe's worried eyes looking down at me.   
"H-he left me, Gabe," I tried to say through the hiccups. "He's gone. I'm all alone. I can't do it anymore, I-I'm all on my own. I can't go on l-like this." I gasped in, before letting out another sob. "He even put it on YouTube. I can't turn anywhere now. T-there's no one to talk to. No one who won't know what's happening." I started crying again, as Gabe took me to my room and laid me down. I hated myself, and hoped I died in the most painful, inhumane way that anyone could possibly die. Cry probably hated me, too. I was all alone, and I knew no one truly loved me. Everyone on YouTube probably hated me, but I knew no one could hate me as much as I hated myself.   
"Tobes, calm down. We don't all hate you, and most of the people on YouTube were just sad that you two broke up. They didn't think any less of you or Cry. It's okay. I'm sure he was just angry and did the first thing that came to mind. It's unfair that he put that on YouTube, though," Gabe said, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth set in a frown. I felt my weeping die own as I could breathe again, still with hiccups, though.  
"No. This is all my fault," I told him everything that happened and even let him read the text messages. I almost felt like I was going to puke again, as I tried to calm myself with deep breaths. "See? It's my fault. All of it." I curled into a ball again, as Gabe put the phone down, before grabbing my shoulders and staring into my eyes.  
"This. Is. Not. Your. Fault," he said, making sure each word was heard by me, as he squeezed my shoulders lightly for each one. I opened my mouth to retort, but he continued taking, not giving me a chance to say anything. "Listen, this was his idea, and that was his reaction. If he knew he couldn't handle anything you could have said just then, then he shouldn't have said that."  
I closed my eyes and lowered my head. It didn't matter what Cry had done; this was my fault. I shouldn't have said what I did. I opened my eyes, and saw that Gabe knew I didn't believe him. I saw him open his mouth before the phone rang, interrupting the both of us. I saw it was Cry, and hesitantly answered it.  
"Why did you say those things?" I heard him ask. His voice sounded quiet, as if he had lost it from yelling, or crying, like me. I tried to think of an explanation, but my mind somehow drew a blank. I noticed Gabe leave the room, trying to give Cry and I some space. I sighed out, before finally thinking of an answer.  
"I couldn't think of many things that upset me. Those things are insignificant, small things that don't really matter all that much to me," I started pouring out my thoughts. "I had a hard time finding ANYTHING that was wrong with you. You're an amazing, strong, wonderful, and caring man who I love. I didn't mean to say that you're extremely irresponsible. You're much more responsible than I am. And I know you're only slightly nosy cause you care. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you so much, and I--"  
"I need to go do some stuff," Cry cut me off. I was taken aback by this, since he had always let me finish talking in the past, no matter how pissed he was at me. "I need to clean my house and watch my brother, as well as apply for a few jobs. I'll be busy for the rest of the day. So bye, Toby."  
"Wait!" I called out, and after I realized he was still on the line, I said, "I know you might not answer to this, and you don't need to. I'll let you go do whatever you need to do, but Cry... I love you. I really do. Goodbye," I said, before pressing the end call button. I sighed out shakily, and sat in the living room with Gabe. I didn't know if Cry believed me, or if he would accept my apology, but I hoped to god he would. If I had to be alone, I wouldn't survive, and I knew this.   
A few hours later, Gabe left, saying that he had to go check up on his girlfriend. I waved to him from the door as he left, and sat on the couch. My thoughts bounced around, telling me how worthless and horrible I was. They tried to convince me to take my life, to cut myself. I turned the TV up, trying to drown out those thoughts, but they just grew stronger. I felt myself get up, walk to my bed room, open the drawer, take the razor out, and lift my arm up, so that I could cut. This emptiness had consumed me again. I couldn't feel anything beyond the void.   
I tried thinking of my friends, of my family, even of my subscribers, but none of it worked. I pressed the blade down into my arm, and started to break the skin. What bad would one cut do? I dug the razor deeper, before dragging it across the width of my arm.   
It hurt like hell, but felt so good. My mind was finally able to focus on something other than the nothingness. I cut again and again, up until my entire arm was covered in cuts, leaking out the angry red fluid.  
I decided I didn't want to die yet, and went to my bathroom, before rinsing the cuts off. I winced at the sting, but let them rinse, before wrapping my arm in a small towel. I went back to bed and laid down, before closing my eyes.   
I was almost all alone.  
The void was the only thing other than myself that was there.  
Please, void.  
Let me die.


End file.
